levothyroxine

I spend sunday afternoons pondering

who am I? what is me?

am I the collection of thoughts and things I complete

am I more than my shell

or merely the flesh between the top of my head and the souls of my feet?

you may be aware of the butterfly effect

but are you aware of the butterfly-shaped organ

that allows you to metabolize the food that you eat

it makes sure you grow your hair

and that your heart keeps beating and beating, on repeat

this life-sustaining organ is called your thyroid

mine was stripped from me the 15th of December preceding 2023

everyday since that day and

everyday that follows this day

everyday until my last day

I must take a pill to just be

let me take you through my morning routine

I wake up

for a brief moment I see the world through the lens of someone less broken

I am in a world without problems

I am happy, at peace, just free

then as sure as the sunrise

traumatic events of the past rush into reality

my memories of the ER

feeling anxious and afraid

not knowing what’s wrong with me

lost in a sea of potential diagnoses

hoping for the best

then it hit me

I have graves disease

an auto-immune disorder that if left untreated…will kill me

one moment I was a healthy 21 year old

the next, in need of surgery

a total thyroidectomy

full of anger, sadness, fear, and rage

eager to be fixed

eager to turn the page

yet naively unaware of the permanence of this chapter

how the ink it’s written in was bleeding through the rest of the book

staining the words unread, the life yet lived

tethering my existence to the miracle of modern medicine

then I roll over

my feet hit the floor

I take a deep breath

and swallow the pill

once more

yes, I am breathing and my heart is beating

and I may be alive but I am not free

I’m merely the broken version of me that used to be

trapped in this mourning routine

wherever I go, my pills must follow

no

wherever my pills go, I must follow

I am the dog

the pills are my leash

how can I be complete

when I struggle to discern the space where the bottle of pills and my life force meet

I may be trapped, physically

But these chains serve as a reminder to breathe

to smell the flowers

admire the chirp of the birds

become a tree hugger

and feel the Earth beneath my feet

I may be trapped

locked in a cell with a bottle of pills

but my mind has been set free

free to enjoy the moment, happy & grateful

reminded this day is not guaranteed

Thriving on food, water, and levothyroxine.

C-R-E-A-T-E

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poet tree leaves

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